just a quick giggle

Atheists don't have no songs

12 stepping

Step 1: Admitting we are powerless over the effects of addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.

My father called me drunk last night. I doubt he remembers. It was a pointless phone call, just for him to brag about the new fire pit he and Mom got to sit around a fire. In Florida. Don't ask.  The point is, as I'm going through some of this literature from ACoA, and trying to figure out how to wrap my brain around the whole Higher Power stuff, I think I need to just take a step back and figure out exactly what I'm looking at.

I am, indeed, powerless over my father's problems with addiction. I have tried to micro-manage every situation, I tried endlessly as a kid to be good enough, smart enough for him to actually SEE me. I apparently even told them when I was little that I didn't like someone because of the way they touched me. But in the mind of an alcoholic, or at least, in HIS mind, much more rested on the way things appeared to others.

I have to accept that nothing I could have done, and nothing I can do now, will change who he is; will change the dynamic that I grew up with; will change the way he knows how to interact with me, or with the world around him in general.  I have to give up hope that there's anything I can do or say that will make him different, or change what our history is. And I have to accept that everything I grew up thinking was "normal" was distorted and wrong.

I continue to live my life in the way I was shown: I go through the motions of what seems to be normal, to me...I have a very hard time being present. Even without being an alcoholic myself, I have that personality trait emblazoned on whatever I take to be my soul.  Part of the ACoA definition of "The Problem" is co-dependency and taking on the characteristics of the diseases (alcoholism) without necessarily ever using chemicals or behaviour to mood alter.  


But here's the funny thing. I was always such a control freak that I DIDN'T get drunk, or let myself feel out of control, maybe because some part of me, even years ago, recognized that what I came from was twisted. But no matter how far away from home I got, or how much I tried to be everything my parents weren't/aren't, it's all I know.  And I still couldn't let myself be present for my life. Because all I've known is surface, cover-up, superficial, impress-the-neighbors bullshit.

The promise of a solution through ACoA is tho hopefully begin to "...begin watching for present day self-destructive patterns, recognize these patterns and make better choices for ourselves...to change sick attitudes and characteristics that have plagued us for years and made our lives unmanageable".

So here we are back at Step #1.  In all my attempts to micro-manage, my life has, indeed, become unmanageable.  Trent sees right through me, I am desperate to be a good wife and parent, and to be a real honest to goodness, present part of the world around me.  So this is me. Admitting my powerlessness over what my parents' dysfunction has rendered in me. In the hopes that I can forgive them, and myself, for a life only half-lived up to this point.

As the holiday season sets in...

I've been having another crisis of "faith".  Canadian and American Thanksgiving aside, now begins the season of Christmas music, Santas, reindeer (which i LOVE that Ellie signs Moose for every time), and mall-insanity.

On top of that, I have now joined the ranks of 12-steppers and have attended my first ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting.  Here's the thing... there were SO many things said at the meeting and in the literature I've been delving into that ring true, that make me feel like I have found some common ground and some explanation for a lot of "why I am the way I am".  But then there's all this "higher power" stuff.  It's very clearly worded as to God, however you may define it , but it's the entire concept of "Let go and let God" baffles me. How am I supposed to reconcile my atheism with "...believing a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to wholeness"; or "...make a decision to turn our will and our lives over the the care of God, as we understood God"??

Much to think about...

In the air...

Now granted, Thanksgiving in Canada is in October, not November (earlier harvest, I suppose), but this just sums up my sentiments these days:
http://images.dailydawdle.com/back-off-santa.jpg

Shanah Tova

Tomorrow sundown begins Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.  My parents arrive tomorrow afternoon. Not to celebrate, just to visit. Perhaps this is one of those times that I need to take a look at something that Judaism offers as a good thing, and let's be honest, the timing couldn't be better. I'm not close with my parents. Recently, a few things have come to light that make me downright furious with them, with my history.  And I'm just as likely as the next person to play The Blame Game when I get like that. I've always liked that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are different from the Christian ideas of confession.  Instead of asking God for forgiveness, you're instructed to actually apologize to the person you wronged...to ask forgiveness, and grant it when it is asked of you. My friend on Facebook posted this as her Rabbi's description of these holidays, and I think it's well-written. I just don't know if I"m a big enough person to forgive recent transgressions that have come to light...Perhaps I'll just play it by ear...

RECONCILIATION AND FORGIVENESS

Which of the 613 commandments in the Torah do you think is the most difficult to observe?
My answer would be to "love your neighbor as yourself." (Leviticus 19:18).
What’s the difficulty in loving your neighbor? One possibility is that he or she may not be such a nice person. Some people are very difficult to love, to like, or even to tolerate.
We also need to look at this problem from the opposite perspective. Maybe we ourselves are not easy to love.
The point is that interpersonal relationships are not always easy. As we go through life we all make our share of friends and, yes, let’s be honest, enemies too. Who of us, in the past year, has not offended someone, intentionally or unintentionally? Who of us, in the past year has not been offended by something someone else said or did, or failed to do?
This is one of the reasons that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur exist. In the course of living, we all collect baggage — the baggage of resentment and disappointment. And we add to the baggage of others. The High Holy Days are an opportunity to rid us of unwanted and unnecessary baggage by forgiving others and by being forgiving ourselves.
We are all imperfect unfinished creatures. We all make mistakes. We all say things we shouldn’t. None of us ever fulfills all of the expectations that others have of us or even those we have of ourselves. We all fall short.
And so a New Year comes to us with a great gift. It says we can start again. It says we can attempt to make right what we have done wrong. Not by praying to God. Not by telling God we are sorry. But by seeking out those who we may have hurt, by word or by deed, and trying to make amends.
It’s not easy. It’s never easy to admit that you have been wrong or to say, "I’m sorry." And it may be even harder to forgive, to accept someone’s apology, to let go of your anger. Some people thrive on bearing a grudge. They just love to hate.
The call of this season is to let go. The challenge of these Days of Awe is to be open to forgiveness and reconciliation. It may be hard, but it’s worth it.
Life is too short and too fragile to be constantly bearing a grudge. When we are able to forgive, we free ourselves of a burden that wears us down as much as does the burden of guilt.
As we celebrate a New Year, may we all come a little closer to loving our neighbors as ourselves.

Shana Tova U'm'tuka,

Rabbi David H. Auerbach

ACOA

Anyone know of any atheists in 12 step programs? I mean, there HAVE to be some, right?  Is there honestly no group of people who have found a way other than a "higher power" to deal with being out of control? or being the child of someone who was?

My mom is just "coming to terms" with the fact that my father is an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. No big surprise on my end, he's always been a man of excess--he eats, drinks, drugs, talks too much. There is nothing small or reserved about my father.  But I guess I never put a label on it. Last night I was looking into ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and Al-Anon and trying to see if anything clicked. And it kinda all did. But Jeez, all that God stuff is off-putting!! I'd love to go to a meeting and see if I connect with the people there, who might have grown up like I did, with no "real" role models for parenting, but all the God crap is a total turn off!! Sigh...

Mixed emotions...

My grandfather died yesterday. I haven't spoken to him for years, and he crossed physical and emotional boundaries with me that are still impacting my life and my relationships today, so needless to say, I'm not sad to see him go.   He was an alcoholic, I think, and a misogynistic, racist, generally horrible man.   It's not nice to speak ill of the dead. I know that. And with the Jewish tradition of having someone in the ground so quickly, I cannot get to his funeral without a $2k travel bill.  Not that I would want to go, but I know my mother is not handling it very well, and for HER, I would suck it up.

Eleanor never met him. I never allowed it. I'm hopeful that this will make going down to Florida easier, and perhaps she can meet her great-grandmother.  Who also may not be the nicest lady in town, but at least I am not worried that she'll hurt Ellie. My grandfather didn't earn the right to meet my daughter. My grandmother enabled him to be as nasty as he was, but she personally never hurt me.

Family is such a strange thing. I'm so lucky to have married someone who can look at family as a necessary  thing to be endured, but not believe in obligatory love.  We both feel that people need to earn love and respect, and various members of our respective families have lost that with us. So here we are, starting a family from scratch with very little in the way of how families are "supposed" to be.

All that being said, Trent and I were watching a British TV series the other night, World's Strictest Parents, and we both agreed on the basics of what Eleanor would and would NOT be raised with: self esteem is wonderful, but a child should not always get their way; Parents should be parents, not friends, etc...These children were fairly awful teens, and whilst I completely understand the premise of rebellion, we will do our best to instill a strong work ethic in Eleanor, as well as the idea that short-cutting around doing real work will not be rewarded.

It seems that so many people today, not just children, are intrinsically lazy!! There have been books and documentaries recently that highlight the selfishness and egocentrism of folks raised with the idea that they are the only people in the world who matter. You can see it in politics, you can see it in teenagers, and most recently, the riots around the world--why should "normal" people obey the laws if the people MAKING the laws, educated, privileged people, feel compelled to lie, cheat, and steal?

To put a more personal perspective, Eleanor is at the age now (17 mo) where she still is completely allowed to think that she is the centre of the world. But this is where the fundamentals have to be established.  It's fascinating to watch her figure things out, really. She can be quite rough and physical with the cats and dog, for example, so I am teaching her Gentle and Nice...so her first response is to 1) smack the cat 2) look to me for my reaction and then 3) kiss the cat.  Testing boundaries and figuring things out. Wild stuff, and it can be really hard not to laugh sometimes as she throws her food and promptly shrugs her shoulders like "What Happened?" and says "Uh Oh!"...

What happened?? (as she threw a blueberry to the dog)

Standing at the top of the slide applauding herself while I try to remain calm and tell her to SIT DOWN!