Mixed emotions...

My grandfather died yesterday. I haven't spoken to him for years, and he crossed physical and emotional boundaries with me that are still impacting my life and my relationships today, so needless to say, I'm not sad to see him go.   He was an alcoholic, I think, and a misogynistic, racist, generally horrible man.   It's not nice to speak ill of the dead. I know that. And with the Jewish tradition of having someone in the ground so quickly, I cannot get to his funeral without a $2k travel bill.  Not that I would want to go, but I know my mother is not handling it very well, and for HER, I would suck it up.

Eleanor never met him. I never allowed it. I'm hopeful that this will make going down to Florida easier, and perhaps she can meet her great-grandmother.  Who also may not be the nicest lady in town, but at least I am not worried that she'll hurt Ellie. My grandfather didn't earn the right to meet my daughter. My grandmother enabled him to be as nasty as he was, but she personally never hurt me.

Family is such a strange thing. I'm so lucky to have married someone who can look at family as a necessary  thing to be endured, but not believe in obligatory love.  We both feel that people need to earn love and respect, and various members of our respective families have lost that with us. So here we are, starting a family from scratch with very little in the way of how families are "supposed" to be.

All that being said, Trent and I were watching a British TV series the other night, World's Strictest Parents, and we both agreed on the basics of what Eleanor would and would NOT be raised with: self esteem is wonderful, but a child should not always get their way; Parents should be parents, not friends, etc...These children were fairly awful teens, and whilst I completely understand the premise of rebellion, we will do our best to instill a strong work ethic in Eleanor, as well as the idea that short-cutting around doing real work will not be rewarded.

It seems that so many people today, not just children, are intrinsically lazy!! There have been books and documentaries recently that highlight the selfishness and egocentrism of folks raised with the idea that they are the only people in the world who matter. You can see it in politics, you can see it in teenagers, and most recently, the riots around the world--why should "normal" people obey the laws if the people MAKING the laws, educated, privileged people, feel compelled to lie, cheat, and steal?

To put a more personal perspective, Eleanor is at the age now (17 mo) where she still is completely allowed to think that she is the centre of the world. But this is where the fundamentals have to be established.  It's fascinating to watch her figure things out, really. She can be quite rough and physical with the cats and dog, for example, so I am teaching her Gentle and Nice...so her first response is to 1) smack the cat 2) look to me for my reaction and then 3) kiss the cat.  Testing boundaries and figuring things out. Wild stuff, and it can be really hard not to laugh sometimes as she throws her food and promptly shrugs her shoulders like "What Happened?" and says "Uh Oh!"...

What happened?? (as she threw a blueberry to the dog)

Standing at the top of the slide applauding herself while I try to remain calm and tell her to SIT DOWN!